I’m 26.
In Filipino culture that means it’s time to start thinking about having kids.
I’ve only had two official boyfriends. One lasted 3 years and the other one almost 5 years. The first one was a young puppy love so we knew from the very beginning we weren’t gonna be it. The second one came really close, getting married was definitely a conversation we went over multiple times. But we ran out of time.
We spent more time salvaging our relationship from all the damages we inflicted to each other, rather than actually living a normal mundane life. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t heal from all the pain we went through. Then next thing I knew I was on a flight back home to the Philippines… starting all over again.
It’s been almost 3 years now since I got back from the states. Despite having my family around, I still don’t feel at home. I still live my daily life hoping I could pack it all up in suitcases. It’s not a healthy way to live because I always feel like I don’t belong anywhere I go.
I tried other parts of the Philippines. Baguio and Sagada. Outside of the Philippines, Vietnam and Mauritius. None of the places I’ve been to felt like home. Like that’s where I belong. I wish I could keep trying but deep down, they all bring the same answer.
I’m too fucked up and dysfunctional to live a normal life. I’ve always known this but I still tried for the very last time.
He came into my life when I least expected it. I was only looking for something casual but as I got to know him, I wanted more. I really thought that he was the one. I was scared and nervous because I thought the next big news my family would hear from me is that I'm having a baby. In my eyes, it was that serious.
He also did his fair share of commitment for me to assume that we were gonna get to that point. We had a lot of communication about the future. The sacrifices we had to make and the timeline to get to where we wanted to be. So much talk went behind the whole thing. But that's just it, all talk.
Turns out he wasn’t the man he initially portrayed himself to me. And I wasn’t the woman I claimed myself to be as well. We hid some important details about ourselves that instantly came out as we got to know each other deeper.
We sped up the process. We dove all the way into each other. As you recently just read, I’ve had 3 and 5 years of relationships and they still ended. I figured why not try a different approach this time and speed things up?
I made the right decision.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t want to be with him, ever. Maybe he felt the same way too, I can’t speak on his behalf. But for me, I would never allow myself to end up with someone like him. Even if we cross paths again in the future, he will never be more than just a fling.
He was the first guy I’ve been with as an adult with a fully developed brain. Maybe the younger me would be more hopeful, follow your heart and oversee the shortcomings. That’s not how it works in the adult world.
Bringing a child into this world means I’m responsible for their existence.
The husband,
The in-laws,
The genetics,
Their upbringing,
Their values,
Their morals,
Will all be predetermined by me and the husband I choose. This is beyond love. This is logic. The most logical thing to do is never bring a child into this world. It is in our genetic markup as human beings to want to procreate but that’s primal. We no longer live in the primitive world, we are modern now.
I can go on and on about this but it’s not the main point of this entry. The main point is I can’t imagine being committed enough with a guy to want to start a family.
Maybe I’ll get married someday but that will also end in a divorce. This is the price I have to pay for the decisions I made in the past.
I will have trails of lovers along the way. Some I’ll only experience once, some will come back later on, but none will be for the rest of my life. I’m unstable so the thought of being able to pack up and leave whenever I want gives me so much comfort than constantly factoring in my partner with all the decisions I make.
I hope he knows that I went against my own beliefs for a slither of hope that we can make it work. It broke my heart trying, but it was worth it. I hope you find someone more suitable in your life than me. We weren’t together long enough to say I love you but I’ll settle with I once yearned to have a future with you. Goodbye.